it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
