i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
