she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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