Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
