The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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