how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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