it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Randomize
