just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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