peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
