So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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