At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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