This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
