I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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