I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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