Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
