wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
