Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
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