Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Fuck appropriateness.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
