Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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