I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
