So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
