dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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