Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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