Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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