i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
