Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
she told me i tasted like america
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
