If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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