pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
