I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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