So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Randomize
