People with herpes should wear stickers.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
