you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
