Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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