Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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