Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
