Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Randomize
