WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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