If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
