It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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