Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
