mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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