she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
