if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
