I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
