I think I died a long time ago.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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