i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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