bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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