So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
