Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
