My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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