He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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