i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
