Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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