I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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