I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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