A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
