There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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