this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
