Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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