a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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