First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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