whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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