there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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