my soul wont recognize me after tonight
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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